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The
truth about grannies isn't in the studies
I'M ALL for good research, but one recent study, the first on
grandmothers, falls into the "oy vey" department.
To be fair, findings at the first international conference devoted
to grandmothers were light years ahead of those of the ethnographer
Charles W.M. Hart.
Dr. Hart studied the Tiwi hunter-gatherers of Australia in the 1920s
and concluded that post-menopausal woman were "a terrible nuisance,"
as well as "physically revolting." Compared to the good doctor's,
some of the new findings seem absolutely marvelous - at first
glance.
Grandmothers were described as an underrated source of comfort and
power with great post-menopausal energy and life-offering benefits.
(Yes!)
Then things started to go south. Some of the more unsettling
conclusions:
• To grandchildren, the maternal grandmother is far more important
than the paternal grandmother.
• The maternal grandmother is even more important than the father!
• Children lived longer and healthier lies if they were in close
contact with their maternal grandmother.
In two studies, the husband's moms were not just less positive
forces - they were "negative." One concluded that when a maternal
grandmother lived in the household, boys were less likely to die.
With the presence of the paternal grandmother, the opposite
occurred.
Some researchers logically determined that when a mom needs help,
her first cry is to her own mother. After all, mom's body is her
biological first home, and theirs is an eternal bond. Most studies
involved homes where father's work made them unavailable much of the
time - and who better to fill the gap than grandma?
Especially if she knows, when she's exhausted, that she can wave
goodbye! But 20 years of clinical experience - and my own life
observations - show me that every grandmom takes a very back seat to
an available, involved and trustworthy dad.
There is however a very good reason, overlooked in the study, why
many grandchildren prefer the maternal grandmother to the paternal
one. It has to do with some very sad realities in the mother-son
relationship since the beginning of time.
It's sad but true that far too many moms haven't let go of their
adult sons and compete with their daughters-in-law for their sons'
attention and loyalty.
In some societies to this day, if a mother-in-law murders her son's
wife, authorities look the other way. Children caught in this
problematic triangle know in their gut that a rival - or an enemy of
their mom - can never be trusted.
A PATERNAL grandmom who wishes her son's marriage well and doesn't
see her daughter-in-law as a rival is loved dearly and deeply by her
grandchildren and is every bit as important as the maternal grandmom.
(Cosmetologist Estee Lauder advised that as soon as you meet your
future daughter-in-law, you give her your favorite piece of jewelry
and make her your best friend. After that, keep you mouth shut and
never, ever say an unkind word about her to anyone.)
At the first "Grandma Conference," researchers also concluded that
they just didn't understand the reasons for their unsettling
findings.
But that answer, I believe, is rather elementary.
Like everything good about family life, success depends on trust and
on love.
Research is wonderful, but most answers in family life cannot be
found in statistics and studies alone, where the true and intangible
magic of love and respect and "letting go" yet still "being there"
can never be evaluated.
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