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Making
Sense of the World
EVERY MORNING, Americans wake up finding it
harder to see straight, to make sense of it all. Our lens is
clouded, overpowered by violence, as well as contradictory
explanations about the state of the world, the state of our nation -
and what to do about it. We feel
numbed on three fronts. There is the terror of ruthless enemies with
no respect for the sanctity of life and free thought. There is the
growing lack of trust and confidence in our leadership. And there is
madness, cruelty and selfish obliviousness, often chillingly close
to our doorsteps.
How can we make sense of the murder of
innocent little girls, so kind and loving that an older one offers
her life to protect a younger one? How can we understand the growing
violence of young children who come to school armed to kill? Why it
it still OK for pilots of small planes to continue to take joy rides
outside the windows of New Yorkers, scaring them half to death?
How do we clear our collective lens and
finally once again see straight? How do we find the words to
describe and understand what is happening to us - or the wisdom to
do something about it? Political, military, economic and historical
analysis is plentiful. What is overlooked is an understanding of the
psychological makeup that allows clear thinking, concern for others
and true leadership. And the psychology that destroys it.
In far too many families (and in our
leadership) all over the world, rich and poor, there are invisible,
relentless cycles of emotional abuse that, without intervention,
turn into physical and sexual violence and its political perversion,
war.
When parents (or leaders) are hurtful and
oblivious, someone who loves and believes in each child must be
there: a family member, social worker, teacher, doctor, counselor,
lawyer, neighbor, religious leader - somebody who is there to
protect and to care for the best interests of the child, and when
necessary to intervene on his/her behalf with parents and
caretakers.
When this is not the case, abused children
grow up to become the same adults who hurt them the most. They
become poison to all who depend on them in family, in friendship, in
community, and in country. Their emotional oxygen is pain and
brutality, just as they experienced it.
Rage in the home leads a child to grow up
into a frenzied, bullying adult. Abandonment and rejection do the
same, as does complete neglect. Parents who insist that their
children always agree with them or always put their needs and
opinions first create, in turn, hateful, sanctimonious dictators.
Overprotection and overindulgence by parents produces spoiled and
conflicted brats, sometimes charming, always with a malignant sense
of entitlement.
The domestic dictators and bullies learn how
to blame others for the messes they have created. They skillfully
assure that they love and care. But the converse is true: Through a
consistent lack of empathy and a consuming rage and selfishness,
they destroy all who rely on them.
Life has taught me that in the darkest days,
especially in the political sphere, those who offer hope and clarity
finally emerge. They possess intelligence, charisma and calm based
on their self-respect and their respect for others. They value
opinions that are not their own. They give; they take; they
compromise. Violence is always their last resort.
As they call to the best of us, the lies and
hypocrisy of their opposites are exposed. New awareness is reached,
and new solutions are realized. I believe that this quality of
strong leadership is on our public horizon.
In the meantime, it is up to all of us to
raise and protect children who will recognize this excellence, feel
deserving of it - and will claim it for their futures and for ours.
In her book "Setting Your Self
Free," family therapist SaraKay Smullens (sarakaysmullens.com)
addresses the invisible, malignant impact of emotional abuse
in all of our lives.
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