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Family
doctors or therapists, nurse practitioners, teachers, clergy, social workers, shelter administrators and
others with an interest in helping emotionally abused people will
find this area to be of interest. We hope to provide you with
information and tools to assist you in your work.
Especially in
these troubled times, SaraKay describes herself as "on a mission to
encourage people to learn to think about, frame, understand,
address, confront and solve problems and challenges
psychologically...."
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Q & A with SaraKay
Smullens
Q. What is
emotional abuse and why has it received so much less attention than
physical or sexual abuse?
SKS:
Emotional abuse is the result of psychological attacks on children
that inflict deep and lasting wounds. The scars are on the inside
but can show up later in life as alcoholism or a drug or sexual
addiction, an eating disorder or an inability to form lasting
relationships. Emotional abuse can take the form of social
isolation, rage, emotional detachment and neglect, intimidation and
bullying, even constant unattainable expectations or their
opposites, extreme overprotection and enmeshment. All of these are
invisible weapons that abusive parents, siblings, caretakers and
even bosses or co-workers use to control the way another thinks and
behaves.
Much of the
time, emotional abuse happens in the privacy of the family home, so
the outside world does not see it. Frequently, the abused have a
hard time telling the outside world about it for similar reasons as
rape victims or physically abused women do – fear that they will not
be believed, fear of reprisal by the abuser, a feeling that nothing
is wrong, that this is just the way it is, or that the treatment
they endure is their fault because they are somehow defective or
“crazy.” Frequently a victim of emotional abuse doesn’t realize
the abuse and lives with unrealized emotional scars.
Q. Why do
you refer to the types of emotional abuse as “cycles?”
SKS:
Without knowing it, victims of
emotional abuse pass from blighted experiences in their childhood,
directly into dysfunctional experiences in adulthood both because it
feels familiar to do so and because they want to heal what was
“broken” in the past. During their
formative years, abused children learn how to parent from those who
are parenting them, whether from biological parents or other
caregivers.
An example of this repetitive cycle
happened in my life. When I was growing up, my father had a clear
preference for my younger sister, giving love and support to her and
withholding that kindness and support from me. Later I learned
that my grandfather favored my uncle over my father, withholding
support and even refusing to let my father choose what he wanted to
do with his life. My father’s deep resentment of such treatment
caused him to bury his rage and “act it out” instead, repeating the
same patterns of behavior that had caused his own suffering.
A person without the opportunity to
learn to think rationally – one who is rejected or ignored by a
parent, lashed with hate or ridicule, dominated or overly indulged –
does not develop a sense of autonomy. Though such individuals often
mask it brilliantly, they do not develop the strength to navigate
life’s slippery slopes or the confidence to deal with overwhelming
feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, envy, and rage. Once grown-up,
the only way they know how to live is to control others. In
controlling and dominating others, the abuser finds an outlet for
his or her anger and need to feel powerful.
Q. Why is it
so difficult to identify an emotional abuser in the community?
SKS:
It is very difficult to identify an abuser in the community unless
you have a relationship with the abuser and know what to look for.
Frequently, they are seen as outgoing and friendly – even nurturing,
kind and generous – to everyone outside of their immediate family.
They are often very intelligent and develop an ability to be
charming to mask their abusive behaviors. Their abuse is aimed
towards those who are dependent on them. And since victims of the
abuse either do not recognize themselves as victims, or are afraid
to come forward to bring the abuse into the open, there is no way
for an outsider to know what is really going on.
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